Log in

March 2011   01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31

Hello again.

Posted on 2011.03.26 at 19:42
Current Location: desk and bed
Current Mood: blankblank
Current Music: Moss playing WoW
Tags: , ,
I'm aware that it's been more like a week's silence instead of a weekend silence. Partially it's just because there's really nothing to report. More of the same. Side effects continue to build, treatment time continues to shrink. Last day of radiation therapy is this coming Friday - which is also the two-month cancerversary.

I can't even remember what I've already updated for ... Um. New things prescribed by doctor - bananas (potassium deficiency from steroids), more water (because I'm part fish now), and Vicodin (because pain). That last one was scary at first, but I seem to have no side effects and only been needing to take it up to twice a day. We get along quite well.

Tristan and Lainey are back in the writing act and may be messing around with their old project.

People who haven't been able to reach the front are crawling about. (It's been since HALLOWEEN. I'm actually rather upset - Eric) That's been complicated.

Will be trying to catch up with friends' posts, but if things are missed: The best is always wished for all of you from our corner. Hope this week has delivered some joy and if you need to vent for the bad our inbox is always open.


Weekend Silence

Posted on 2011.03.18 at 12:01
Current Location: desk
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: Pandora's Celtic genre station
Tags: ,
I haven't exactly been stalking LJ for a few days anyway, but I wanted to let people know that this weekend is being spent with the mom, so radio silence will probably drop onto the interwebs.


Oh - and a happy St Patty's to those who care.


More Ugly

Posted on 2011.03.09 at 10:24
Current Location: desk and bed
Current Mood: discontentdiscontent
Tags: , , ,
The depression has been rather overwhelming lately. The idea of not treating in the not-to-distant future has been placed upon the table and is occasionally poked at with a spork. I'm tired and hopeless often - not over the idea of dying, but over the idea that all of this - the way I'm living right now - is something I'm working so hard to preserve. It doesn't seem all that worth it. This isn't a life worth fighting for like this.

So ... I need to find passion if I'm going to keep doing this. It's always been our work - storytelling. But for some reason, lately, it hasn't been there. The other things in life - housework and grocery shopping and ... I'm not even sure what else ... has seemed to just suck everything. Staying in this room so much feels suffocating.  I don't know if I can make this come out right. 

Sometimes I feel all right, but nothing is .... making me ... making it ....

Nothing's making it.



General Updates

Posted on 2011.03.02 at 10:14
Current Location: desk
Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: Nothing. Why am I not listening to music? -Pandora-
Tags: , , ,
Well, I've been living with cancer for a month now - February which is a month, mostly >.>
Things have gone from LET'S DO THIS! GO TEAM! To Who Isn't Sick of This Yet?
Side effects of treatment are piling up and radiation and chemo (at 12 treatments today) are set to kick my ass any day now.
The steroids went down another dose on Monday and I haven't been feeling well in the head department, so that might not be good news, but let's give it a little longer.
The new diet/eating schedule seems to be doing wonders for my nausea. Throw in some sips of flat ginger ale and the mints I keep on me while I'm out. I also had the idea of taking an anti-nausea pill around 3/4 am (I usually wake up for the bathroom around then) - that way I can hopefully sleep off its sleepy-slam and still get some relief for it after getting up at 6.

Reading a lot lately. Mostly because of the feeling like utter crap and just not really wanting to do anything else. Also watching season 2 of Dollhouse now and season one of Castle. Enjoying both.

We have a thesis adviser now :D Kendra, a staff member we don't know, but she seems very interested in our idea to make the paper about our personal healing. Now I'm like - Awesome! This is great ... ohwaitnowIhavetotalktosomenoneelseaboutmyideascrap. >.>

Oh - and also in the response from the school was an email from our lovely founder Christine Breese. She was loving and supportive as she always is, as the whole staff at that school is. Surrounded by love and light, that's me :)



Getting a Little Quieter

Posted on 2011.02.27 at 07:34
Current Location: bed
Current Mood: goodgood
Current Music: Moss playing WoW
Tags: , , , , ,
Fewer posts are definitely coming in the foreseeable future. We simply no longer feel the need to record everything the way we were before. This is probably "an improvement" since it certainly seems to fall in what the Tibetan Buddhists would call a hungry ghost realm activity.

Trying a new eating setup to help deal with the nausea and some of the other side effects. Thought we were breaking things up, for instance, into relatively small, frequent meals. Doing so even more has been recommended, though, so I'm trying what feels a little crazy - eight little meals throughout the day. I'm not sure on portion sizes, but I have a schedule laid out and it'll be a great big experiment, so we'll see. Started yesterday evening and that part of the schedule managed to get me all the way through now with a much better tummy situation than usual both nighttime and early morning. -shrug-

Writing continues to progress well all the way around. -thumbs up-

I haven't heard back from my school yet. They've been busier lately, I know, with an influx of new students. I just hate putting myself out there and waiting to hear responses. It makes the anxiety go wacky. We need to learn to sit and deal ... which is part of our process at the moment.
I'm getting back to course work today. That's the plan, anyway. I'm so close to done with Master's courses, then I have to do the thesis and creative project. I'm hoping that with the cancer I can get some priority with the Master's committee, otherwise it can take a couple of months to have it passed and, well ... that's a lot of time for me right now. Then it's on to my Doctorate and, though I try to stay optimistic, I really don't want to not finish because of grading schedules. I don't know if I'm living a year or fifty, but with such a good chance it's closer to that first one, I'm sure ... yeah, anyway.

Also, getting more into god as Shiva. We, as a whole, have always generally found the Shiva model attractive in many ways. More on that later, maybe.



Morning After Insomnia

Posted on 2011.02.24 at 06:36
Current Location: desk
Current Mood: nauseatednauseated
Current Music: Karen getting ready for work
Tags: , ,
Well. Awake with  insomnia since 4am (now 5.30 as I write this). Not a horrible, irritating kind, really. I worked on two poems in my head. It's neat how much poetry can be done without actually writing a word. And the one is free verse o.O

There was Pary love at both ends of the sleep gap, too. Though he freaked me out at one point - sat up, looked at me oddly for a minute, and bopped me right in the eye. Just before that I had gotten one of my strange light-flickers that I"m meaning to talk to my oncologist about (not the light from radiation - this one's orange and happens sometimes when my eyes are closed).

Moss is going out for donuts this morning and making me coffee just because they're infected with awesome like that. Tara specifically ... because I asked for cuddling after they woke up >.>

This would have been a great morning to bake my bread, but I still have no yeast. It's starting to bum me out a little, but I'm trying to chill.



General Updates

Posted on 2011.02.22 at 19:35
Current Location: kitchen table
Current Mood: optimisticoptimistic
Current Music: Moss playing WoW
Tags: , ,
Writing and Goodness ...Collapse )
Cancer news ...Collapse )



Total Crumble

Posted on 2011.02.20 at 07:02
Current Location: bed
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
Current Music: My own keening wails
Tags: , , ,
Tenzin did so much amazing work today and I don't even have the capacity to talk about it.
I feel so inferior - not because I didn't do anything, but because I feel like the second half of this day was delivered straight from hell and I'm falling apart all over it. Just falling apart in a stunningly massive puddle of goo.
The ill came in first. Such violent attacks of nausea it blurred my vision and threatened to send me sprawling in a pile of my own sick before I'd ever have reached a toilet. The rest of the time - in between those attacks - I just felt ill. Like a sick person. Like a really sick person.
I have never had a day like this.
And then - and then things just got so bad, emotionally, that my brain just stops at the thought of talking about it. Not helping, by the way, since I'm screeching and bitching at everyone around me and I can't even tell them why. My hand is quitting on me now, too.
I feel five. Or three. Everything feels so unfair. I just want to scream it over and over.
Make it stop.



Last Night's Fun, Today's Interesting Poem-Activity

Posted on 2011.02.20 at 06:56
Current Location: desk
Current Mood: ditzyditzy
Tags: , ,
Look, a straight-to-LJ-post. What has my world come to?

I forgot to take my chemo until midnight last night. There was some panicking, but it's really only a few hours later than usual. The parts that really worried me were, firstly, that I actually managed to forget chemo of all things and, secondly, I had to eat to take my other midnight pills (chemo goes on an empty stomach).

So Tara made peppermint tea with milk <3 and I had very little problems at all. Plus, it helped me get all sleepy again. Everything's fine.

On a really neat/fun note: I woke up after all that with this poem just pouring from my head. It was being very specific at me and I had to rush to get down everything I could. I'm really excited about it, it even had music about it. It deals with feeling like cinnamon-raisin bread dough, so I'm actually baking it today to get more into the poem. Haha, yummy!



A Beautiful Day

Posted on 2011.02.18 at 18:24
Current Location: desk and bed
Current Mood: chipperchipper
Current Music: Discovery Channel's old I Love the Whole World commercials OMGYES
Tags: , , ,
Well, crud, I seem to have managed to lose the List already. I can still draw on it, but it reminds me why I need to get my bloody paperclips together.

Today was beautiful. Temp in the 40's, sun shining, smell of incoming spring.

Things I Did Today ...Collapse )

Things I Cherished ...Collapse )

Challenges ...Collapse )
Moss'll be home soon and I'm feeling so ready for Julie's party! Whoo!
And I need to get some reading in first, yummy!
Off I go!


Previous 10